Tuesday, 16 August 2016 10:46
What do we do when we abandon an artistic endeavor we care about?
I abandoned my blog. I never meant to do it, it just sort of happened. Or I let it happen. Two years ago. My last posting in the Book That Job Blog was October 14, 2014. If you're reading this from the blog, it's just one page over. Ironically, the post is about getting things done and staying organized.
As this abandonment was happening I wanted it to not be happening. My very first post in my blog was on October 26, 2010 and I wrote in my blog, not always perfectly on time but steadily, until that last post in October 2014. In November 2014 my calendar began to fill with performance applications for my solo show. Then came the Christmas holidays and before you know it I was hitting rehearsal hard because those applications had successfully netted performance dates.
As I careened into rehearsal and rewrites and continued to teach class and took on more students I had a sinking feeling of disappointment as I saw my blog waving goodbye to me in my rearview mirror. This garden of thoughts and ideas that I had cared for and nurtured I just plain walked out of and shut the gate behind me.
Today, I am opening up that gate and walking back in. I feel guilty. I'd kind of like to sidestep my way in, sneak in unseen as if I had been here the whole time.
But as I enter I experience something surprising happening. After nearly two years away, I seem to be stepping back in much more aligned to what this "garden" has always been. I used to sit in front of a blank page unable to begin, but today words are tumbling out and onto the page without hindrance. Instead of feeling stymied, the search for what I want to say is much more of an adventurous journey, it is fun. And today I am writing without editing; I'll edit tomorrow.
I always wanted to feel like this in my "garden" but I had no idea how to make it happen. I seem to be on the edge of something new, something exciting, something beyond the hard work that I had always put into my blog in the past. I can't even put my finger on what it is at this moment and maybe that's the beauty of coming back to something. Maybe this "coming back" has something new to teach me that I wasn't ready or even able to learn two years ago. Albert Einstein said that "the only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen at once." What a relief. This might be the perfect time for me to step into writing in a whole new way.
So, dear actor, have you abandoned something that had been dear to you? And maybe even abandon is too harsh a word...maybe you let it go? Maybe even reluctantly and gently. Do you glance at it now and then with curiosity? An actor's life is one of the busiest lives I know, perhaps you, like me, just plain ran out of the time required to invest in such an accomplishment.
I'm here to let you know that whatever that thing is for you, it is still there. Still available to you. What would it be like to step back inside and approach it through a whole new you, the you that you are today? There might not be anything to lose and there may be a whole lot to gain. And what you have to gain may at this moment be a complete mystery to you. So here's your invitation to walk through that gate and let the mystery be revealed.